Jan 21, 2014 | Heavy on the Heart, Life
Today my grandfather (my pop) turned 87. 87 is certainly a big number, so to celebrate such a big number, a big birthday party was thrown for him on Saturday.
And as the day approached, I was really looking forward to it. Because birthday parties are supposed to be filled with nothing but happy times, right? Times of celebration and lots of laughter? With cake, presents and maybe even balloons?
My pops party had all of those things, but something was definitely missing.
Scratch that.
There was nothing missing, but something was so very much added; a sadness. In fact, it was a sadness that you couldn’t miss because it seemed to engulf the entire room.
You know, about a month ago I wrote about my pop
moving into a seniors home, and I believe my exact words at that time were, “I’ve watched him decline faster than I ever thought possible”. But I was wrong when I wrote that. So very, very wrong.
The last time I saw my pop was around Christmas time and I noticed some changes then. But now? Well looking at my pop during his party literally broke my heart and, in fact, I tried not to even look at him most of the time because it only made me feel worse. Because again, birthday parties are supposed to be happy times.
His closest family and friends came to celebrate with him that day and there was not one person in the room he recognized. Not one. When I would glance his way I would either see him getting fed by someone or just sitting there, going in and out of sleep. And when it was time to blow out the two candles on his birthday cake, he couldn’t do it.
Then, immediately after this picture was taken, his three daughters helped him get back in bed.
And you really couldn’t help but notice that there was an elephant in the room; something that everyone was thinking, but no one wanted to say out loud which was, “it’s probably his last birthday”. I know getting older is a part of life and I know that in many ways I should be so lucky that my pop has been able to live a long and healthy life up until now. But all of that really doesn’t make it hurt any less. I mean, telling myself all of that that doesn’t help when you’re looking at your mom who is shedding tears while she reads her father’s birthday card from a six year old with the words scribbled, “I miss you” in blue crayon. She was quickly removed from the duty of reading any more birthday cards.
You know, when I sat down to write this post tonight, I had to think long and hard about what I was actually going to say and how I was going to talk about my pops birthday. Actually, a part of me didn’t really want to write anything about it at all. A part of me wanted to put it out of my mind and pretend that I went there and came home and that none of those feelings were there. That same part of me also didn’t really want to use this blank, white space for a post that wasn’t very light, or cheerful, or upbeat.
But a much bigger part of me wanted to write about it, and so I did. And I wrote about it in the way that I experienced it on Saturday, and it wasn’t light, or cheerful, or upbeat at all. I figured that if I can’t share (some of) the bad with the good, and (some of) the sadness with the happiness, then what’s the point in all of this, really?
Sure, a few months from now I might look back and read this and have feelings of sadness rush in again. And who knows, maybe during that same time I’ll even regret not writing about it in a more positive way–a time when we were all together celebrating another year of my pops life because, trust me, I’m so thankful we were able to do that together. But again, that’s just not how I’m feeling at this exact moment, and it definitely wasn’t how I was feeling when I left his party Saturday evening. Regardless of how I was feeling though after I left, all I could think about on the hour drive back home that night was that I hope my pop knows just how much he’s loved, and that the party was just another way that everyone could show him that.
Jan 17, 2014 | Life
I’m laying it all out for you today. I’m in a big, big rut. Like so big.
But it’s true, isn’t it? If you want something bad enough then you’ll find a way to do it?
I’ve repeated that sentence to myself over and over again this past week, just trying to let those individual words seep into my brain. It seems lately I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed with everything I want to do, or should be doing, or need to be doing. The hours in the day seem to go by so quickly and, just like always, there never seems to be enough of them. Ever. The to-do lists keeps growing, and the energy that goes into thinking about them seems to grow even more than the lists themselves.
I need to get caught up at work.
My house needs to be cleaned.
Those storage rooms need to be tackled.
My dog needs to be walked.
I want to spend more time doing fun things with Todd.
I need to start eating better.
My car needs to be cleaned.
I have to go to the gym (and stay there).
I really want more time to blog.
I should make a dentist appointment.
I want to finish that book that’s been sitting on my night table.
I would love to watch my favourite show right now.
I really need to stay in touch better with friends who are away.
I need to start learning how to use my DSLR camera.
Those empty picture frames that have been sitting there for a year really need pictures.
But , I just wish I could relax.
Oh, that list. It really could continue on forever and forever. You know what I’m talking about, right? Please say yes. I’m even exhausted just typing that thing.
I’m getting sick of hearing myself say that I don’t have enough time because again, it goes back to that saying. If I want it bad enough, I’ll find a way. I obviously wanted to start watching the new show, Orange Is The New Black this week, and guess what? I did (and loooved what I’ve watched so far). I also wanted to clean my room this week, but guess what? I didn’t. Why? Because obviously I didn’t want it bad enough (can ya really blame me though?).
Sometimes I think about the future. A future that involves little feet running around destroying the house. A time where you look back before you had children and laugh think, “what did I do with all of my spare time?” Oh lord, help me! Bowing down to you, moms.
But I didn’t come here today to vent, although that does help a little! Instead this was just a little pep talk for myself (and any others who may be needing one) to start making the most out of my time and start getting shiz done. I have to remember that everything doesn’t have to be an “all or nothing” type of task, because a little bit truly does go a long way. If I don’t want to take out an entire Saturday to clean my house, well then I should try and do a little bit each night. If I don’t have an hour to walk Charley one evening, well a half hour or even twenty minutes is better than nothing. And if I don’t have time to tackle the spare rooms, well then I’ll just continue to shut the door and pretend that I don’t have a Monica Geller kind of closet going on in there!
So, that’s (gonna be) my motto and I’m sticking to it. Can I get an amen? Jan 12, 2014 | Blogging, Life
While spending Christmas at my sisters house in Toronto, we decided one day to check out the city’s newly opened aquarium. I can’t believe I’m still talking about Christmas, but anywho. The aquarium has been open for a couple of months now but, lemme tell you, this place was still super, super busy when we were there and, from what I heard, we even picked a good day (New Year’s Day) to go, in terms of the lineups.
It’s located right next to the CN Tower so if you’re ever in the area you should definitely check it out. Our favourite part was the moving conveyor belt through a tunnel where there were swarms of fish and sharks all around you and even above your head. I’m not sure who loved this part more; my two and a half year old nephew or the adults. I’m thinking Nathan would win, though, because the entire time he was bawling out “OH SHARKS” to the top of his lungs. It was seriously the cutest.
And it was here where I met my very first blogger; Mar from
t.o. & fro.
I’ve been following Mar for a few months now and over those months we’ve exchanged a few emails and stalked each other on Instagram. Okay, well more like I stalked her, but there’s really no need to get into the specifics here. So when my sister mentioned that she wanted to go to the aquarium, I instantly remembered hearing Mar say she worked there so I messaged her and told her that we were planning to go on Sunday or Monday and then asked what days were usually the least crowded. It turned out that we didn’t go until Wednesday, so my plan was to message her again on our way to the aquarium that day. Buttt, since we were outside for a little bit beforehand, the freezing cold literally drained my battery in seconds and I was completely bummed that I had no way to message her.
It was early in the afternoon when we went there and as soon as I stepped foot inside the building I started looking around to see if I could see her. I had no idea if she was working that day, or if she would be there at that particular time, or even if her job included being out front or if it was more of a “behind the scenes” kind of thing. So, I knew my chances were very, very slim.
After about an hour going through the aquarium, Todd and I stopped at a large touch fish tank and as soon as I looked up I saw three employees, one of which who happened to look like Mar. But I wasn’t sure. And there was no way I was going to walk up to someone and introduce myself as “the blogger” if I wasn’t one gazillion percent sure.
So what does one do? A few things, actually. I immediately told Todd that I thought it was Mar behind the tank so we took a few steps back, hauled out his phone and looked at pictures of her on her blog. You know, a second opinion really doesn’t hurt in these types of situations. After scanning through multiple pictures he kept saying “I think”, “I think it is”. But, that wasn’t good enough. Again, I needed to be sure.
We took a few more steps back so I could figure out how I was going to figure that out. As the sweet fiancé that I am, I made Todd go back to the tank and see if she wearing a name tag. I waited and I waited and still nothing. I discretely walked backed up to him and said, “did you see it?”. He then informed me that the task at hand was quite more difficult because he really didn’t want to be caught staring at her, like a creep. I believe his exact words were, “Renee, I’m trying not to get caught staring at another girls chest for the last ten minutes here”. I guess the man had a point. Luckily after a few more minutes Todd’s detective skills worked because he said her name tag said Mariella. Sorry Mar if I spelled that wrong. Bingo!!
I walked up to her and she seemed to know me right away. Obviously she was a lot better at this than I was. Or maybe it was because we weren’t very discrete in that whole “trying to figure out if it was her” process. Either way, it was seriously so strange, yet so exciting. No introductions were needed, we automatically started talking and even from those few minutes I could tell that she was as sweet as she seemed. You know, it’s so amazing to think that we were able to meet because of blogging. And feeling like, regardless if you’re so similar or completely different from a person, you have so much in common because of it. I’m telling you, this internet thing is pretty amazing!
Unfortunately we didn’t get a picture, and both of us now regret that big time! If there is one thing that the two of us have learned through this whole blogging thing, it’s that you always, always get a picture. But at least we now know that the other one is “real”, as we’ve now said a few times already.
My visit to Toronto will now be known as the time I met my very first blogger. So thanks Mar for that! Now go say hi to her because she really is the “real” deal. Promise!!
Jan 8, 2014 | Christmas, Family, Life
So, remember that time I posted about the
first part of my Christmas holidays and then said part two was coming right up next? No? Good, me neither!
But apparently I did, so I apologize if you’re sick of hearing about Christmas especially now that we’re in the second week of January, but I can’t help and share this next part because it was my absolute favourite part. And it had everything to do with these people; my family.
It’s true. No matter what it is that we do during the holidays, whether it’s visiting, watching movies, playing games, or simply just sitting on the couch for days on end, it’s always my favourite part. FYI- having two weeks off from work comes in at a very, very, close second place.
In fact, we happened to do all of those things during our time at my sisters house in Toronto except, this year, we had a few more on our list.
Playing trains (Thomas, to be exact, because apparently no other will do) was number one on my nephew’s list, and we all took multiple, multiple turns playing. Thanks to him, I now know every one of the trains names from the Thomas collection, as well as their numbers and colours. Sometimes he’d give us a break, though, and let us read him a book or play with his puzzle, but it was a very short break and it still had to be Thomas related.
We also played pass the baby a lot, but that was something that I never wanted to take a break from. I could have snuggled with this little guy forever. If babies are as quiet and peaceful as this little one, well then hand one over to me, please. I’d prefer to skip right over the whole ‘birth’ part…yikes!
My mom and my sister and I took part in some nail pampering on New Year’s Eve, which was the first time us girls have ever done that together. I vote that this be a yearly tradition! Or, better yet, a ‘whenever we see each other’ tradition.
Todd and I took the train into the city where we spent the entire day staying inside, instead of venturing outside into the freezing cold.
My sister and brother-in-law, the optometrists, hooked Todd and I up with some eye exams and some new glasses, which was desperately needed since I was still sporting my six year old ones. It certainly pays to have connections!! I have a best friend who is a dentist, so if I only knew someone who was a dermatologist and a personal trainer, I’d be all set. Soooo, who wants to be my friend? 🙂
Our traditional poker game took place (twice, actually) and just like every other year, I was one of the first to get out. Apparently they can “see right through me”. Pfffft! Well, I now have a full year to perfect my poker face, although I have no idea where to even begin with that. Again, who wants to be my friend? Anyone?
Oh, and we also spent the day at the newly opened Toronto Aquarium where I may or may not have met another blogger while we were there.
Buttttt I’m going to be sneaky and leave you hanging for another day to hear all about that. So check back soon!
Jan 7, 2014 | Life
It seems that things are slowly starting to get better here in Newfoundland. I say “it seems” because I really don’t want to go and get overly confident here and jinx myself, along with the other hundreds of thousands of people that live here in this province. And, after publishing
my last post, I now know that I’m capable of such a thing, because look what happened literally two minutes after I hit that publish button. I was in the dark, once again.
 |
|
Needless to say that I didn’t get to watch the very first episode of The Bachelor after all. I know, I know, it’s time to get my priorities in order. But when you’ve been looking forward to watching that episode since the last one where we thought Desiree was going to be turning down Chris’s proposal and driving home alone in her Tiffany blue Bentley, then you really didn’t want a little thing like blackouts standing in your way. I mean, doesn’t Newfoundland Power know that Juan Pablo is the new bachelor? Priorities, Newfoundland Power, priorities.
Since I’ve spent a fair amount of time lately in the dark and all, I’ve had nothing better to do then think about some of the things I’ve learned over the last few days. And since I’m in desperate need of some communication with the bright, outside, world, I figured I’d share those with you.
1. People get paranoid fast. Regardless if it’s a blizzard, a blackout, or both, as soon as the word “warning” gets mentioned, paranoia kicks in. Like really, really, fast. Grocery stores and gas stations get emptied literally within the blink of an eye. I witnessed a man in front of us at the gas station two nights ago not only filling up his own vehicle, but the five jerry cans of gas he had stored in his trunk. Not us, though, we weren’t a bit paranoid. We just waited in that same gas lineup for over a half hour just for fun! Which brings me to the next one.
2. There’s probably a reason why people stock up on groceries and necessities. Call it paranoia if you will, but after a few days with no groceries, I’m finally starting to think that there may be some actual sense to this. The box of crackers I had to take to work with me today didn’t exactly hit the spot. I’m waiting for my carb crash to kick in any minute now.
3. Make sure you have a full tank of gas. Not necessarily for driving purposes, but for times when you need to keep warm. Siting in your vehicle with the heat blasted is a sure way to feel like you’re living on a tropical island, and not stranded in your house with no heat. Just make sure you keep those eyes closed.
4. You should have payed closer attention in Girl Guides, or Girl Scouts, or whatever other survival organization you participated in when you were a kid. Although I had a sash full of “earned” badges, I deeply regret not remembering all of the things I learned, like starting a fire without a match, or getting light by using just a light bulb and a potato. That stuff would really come in handy, you know.
5. Avoid caffeine withdrawals. With no coffee shops open, no electricity, or no hot water available, it won’t be long before the headache creeps up on you. Look at these limitations as a challenge and find alternative ways to get your morning fix. At one point I was so desperate I even contemplated ripping open my Keurig cup and mixing it with colder water. I guess the saying, “hard times calls for head measures” is certainly true. Next time I’ll be prepared, though, with an IV drip of coffee.
6. Make sure your phone is charged. Then you can amuse yourself in the dark for hours and hours and hours scrolling through your twitter to see the thousands of other people who are commenting on the situation at hand. Just don’t be surprised when you have to put the money that you saved on your light bill towards your extra data roaming charges. At the end of the month I’ll be pointing the blame at you, #darknl, although I must say you kept me extremely entertained.
7. Download the flashlight app on your phone. Whether it’s finding the bathroom, candles, or even your dog, the possibilities are really endless with what this app can help with. Todd and I went out for dinner on Sunday night and just as our food was brought to the table, the lights went along with the emergency lights. Todd whipped out this app and before I knew it, it felt like we were on a romantic date for two.
8. Find someone to cuddle. Whether it’s a spouse, a family member, a friend, or even a neighbour, make sure you invite them over for a slumber party extra body heat. As much as I complain about Charley sleeping in the bed with us, I was never so happy to have that black and white fur wrapped around my head at night.
9. You’ll never be stuck for small talk again. No need to worry about awkward silences for a while because situations like this will give you enough to talk about for weeks. I can’t remember the last time I talked about anything else besides snow, lights, heat, and where I’m going on my next vacation. The answer to the last one would be SOMEWHERE WARM.
10. Never, ever, ever, ever joke about losing power or anything else that could possibly happen during a blackout/blizzard because you’re automatically setting yourself up for failure. Yeah, so that was totally my bad!
And last but not least, just be thankful for where you live and all of the good things it has to offer, whether it’s with the lights on or off.
